The Coming of Scoble

Bobby ScobbyLook at how happy Robert Scoble is! You know why? Because he has seen the true light of the Habari way. Take care Habari community, He is watching.

I think now that we have caught the Eye of the Scoble, there is a limited opportunity to pounce onto his golden locks and grab hold of his imagination, his heart, his soul. We must move quickly, here is my suggested course of action:

  1. First, we make Him a core committer. We all know the process is arbitrary anyway, we might as well hook Him with responsibility now, like getting pregnant to keep that cute boy. (It’s not like he’s going to commit something anyway.)
  2. Next we partner Him with Khaled to replace the bums Michael Heilemann and Bryan Veloso who haven’t been contributing crap anyway. Scoble sees thousands of demos every day, His eye is finely tuned to the golden ratio of product success.
  3. Let’s make Scoble’s theme the default for the next Habari release. It’s nice and streamlined, and loads really fast.
  4. SuckPress names their releases after jazz musicians. Let’s start naming all our releases after Scoble, like George Foreman’s boys, girls, and grills are all named George. Habari 1.0 “The Robert”. Habari 1.1 “Bobby Scoble”. Habari 1.2 “Robertizer”. (Editors note: Someone contact his wife to find out if any of his body parts have nicknames.)
  5. Make sure all the Habari servers and developers run Seagate drives, and start a letter campaign to the CEO saying Scoble is the reason.
  6. Change our default post to be a 94 minute Podtech ScobleShow interview.
  7. Fellatio.
  8. Invite him to keynote at HabariCon 2007. Everyone in the audience should write I ❤ RS on their forehead prior to the keynote.

I think if we execute HARD on all of the above we will bag him, but we must do or do not… there is no try.

More Brilliant Comments

This blog would be nothing without your brilliant commentary. Thank you, unwashed masses.

69mb says:

In Swahili, “wank” means “big big fan,”…

No it doesn’t, its not even a Swahili word!

Shit! As soon as I get a break from my Habari Hacking I will think of a new name for the site.

69\/\=\==/=/= gets the Wank Genius award previously held by Beth-Anne.

marijuana-paper_www-txt2pic-com.jpg

THERE IS NO DELAY

Chris Davis

“Most of you who are new might not know that we are shooting for a Jan 31st Developer Preview Release. We (being Owen, Scott, Rich and I) really want to hit this first release deadline hard. — Chris J. Davis, January 15th 2007

Some may be wondering after we, the elite Habari committers, promised a January 31st ship date for our developer preview why there hasn’t been a release yet. Or a website. I have prepared a list of reasons.

  1. Developers aren’t ready for the awesomeness that is Habari. It’s really for their own safety that they protect them from Habari while we dumb in down enough for the non-anointed.
  2. We decided that since N people working on something is better than 1. N + 1 will be N^N awesome, so we’ve decided to invite more cooks into the kitchen.
  3. We can’t fucking agree on anything. The meritocratic process is producing such a wealth of ideas we have had to slow down to keep up.

And those pesky WordPress developers? My feelings — as usual — we will slaughter them all.

“We never had an official release date” — Chris J. Davis, February 7th 2007

Why Other Designers Shouldn’t Bother

Khaled takes time from his busy day to grace the Habari community with a completely new website design, and this is the thanks he gets?

“Am I to understand then that your design philosophy is the bottom line for habari? That it’s written in stone?”

Khaled’s design philosophy is written in the STONE OF GOOD TASTE, which obviously you aren’t familiar with. Do not confuse the SOGT with the Ugly Stick, which is what hit the other so-called design contributions.

“How are images accessible?”

Someone introduce this bozo to the alt tag.

“How is that much different than your “planet” concept, other than you are using a singular phrase that is ambiguous at best. News and Planet really are one in the same to me.”

News is too constricting. It’s like putting “blog” in our domain name. You need to think BIG.

“You are basically knocking what’s been put forth, saying you’ve spent all of 30minutes on what you think is superior to what’s been put forth, and have no desire to further that design, and once again aren’t offering source files to allow others to build on the design, or make it real code.”

Come on, Khaled could fart a better design while juggling burning midgets. Let’s not compare apples to Steve Jobs. Hear that, Mr. Bishop? That’s the sound of inevitability. Now suck it.

And what the heck ever happened to Bryan Veloso? Did Autocrattic buy him off? He’s pulling a Nuclear Moose.

Reasons Why When the Revolution Comes You Will Be First Against the Wall

I just read someone who calls themself Dark Rockstr saying Reasons Why (I Think) Habari Won’t Be “The Next Blog App”.

First off, how seriously can you take someone who can’t spell Rockstar with all its proper vowels??? Despite that, he is still worthy of being skewered for his tiny ideas.

“Reason 1: They are entering a somewhat dangerous market.”

The market is dangerous BECAUSE WE’RE IN IT. We’re all from New England and you don’t fuck with us, look what happened to the South. Or Iraq. We’ll tear up your hood like you got oil under it.

“I have read about so many new comers in the market who have submitted Digg stories about being the best and they quickly die off.”

Clearly you have not seen the amazing momentum we’ve sustained, with our userbase doubling almost every month and every major name in blogging abandoning WordPress like the sinking ship it is. More cooks make better soup!

“They are going to have to compete against many people who love the blogging app they are using with right now.”

Like our minions say on every blog post that mentions Habari, we’re not here to compete with other blogging platforms like WordPress. WE’RE HERE TO DOMINATE THEM. I will personally not rest until Matt switches to Habari, Ryan is Khaled’s bitch, and Mark turns in his guns.

“Reason 2: They built themselves a big boot with hype and hopes.”

That’s not our fault, the world saw how many amazing people were involved with Habari and their long history of leading successful projects and starting revolving around us accordingly.

“I have tested Habari and I have to say they are a long ways away from a final product, in my opinion, especially one that will rival my current favorite, WordPress.”

If you like WordPress, your definition of favorite must be slow and bloated software that sacrifices a CPU every time it tries to croak out a miserable little page. Habari probably isn’t right for you, I’d recommend looking into fine alternatives like Slashcode. (Editors note: Register slashwank.)

“Reason 3: Extensibility and security are hard things to build.”

We have objects orienting around objects so much we make the fucking milky way look like foam balls on a coat hanger. We’re so extensible we’re having installer plugins, SO YOU USE A PLUGIN BEFORE YOU EVEN INSTALL IT.

As for security, that’s a given. The first security notice in Habari will come roughly the same time you’re able to go deep sea fishing off the coast of Oklahoma.

“I have worked with in PHP, Java and VB, it’s not something that comes easy.”

I don’t think those languages were designed for the mentally retarded.

“There just isn’t enough features built-in right now for me to jump on the bandwagon, that’s all.”

The bandwagon is full, please refrain from trying to get on until you get a Habari tattoo and can be trusted again.

h0bbel then says, “That being said, the developers behind Habari has not been the ones spreading the hype and in fact most of them felt the attention they got was a bit premature.”

Yeah right, like coordinated blog posts announcing we were leaving WP wasn’t hype inducing, or attempting to get it on Digg, or the weekly screenshot masturbation. We’re dripping the blood of WP in the water to get the sharks into a frenzy so when our release comes out at the end of the month the entire blogging community simultaneously orgasms and takes Technorati down. (Not because of the orgasms, just because Technorati always goes down, the cheap tart.)

Jay vs. Owen

Jay Pipes destroyed my life.

Or that’s how I felt for the 25 minutes that the SVN repository was down and broke my minutely-cron-job which svn ups my sweet, lucious, tasty Habari installation. (Which represents 33% of all the awesome Habari blogs in the world.)

Then the other revered Habari commiters pushed him in a branch, so he wouldn’t break Most Valuable Wankers like me. (MVW)

Now most revered Owen Winkler is pushing back, saying “Fuck. I don’t understand this. I don’t understand why he had to change EVERYTHING. There’s no opportunity to see things into the core gradually. It’s either the pain in the ass of ripping out parts or just taking everything wholesale. It’s not just that it doesn’t work. It’s that there is hardly any of our existing code in it. He basically wrote his own system.”

Scott Merrill responded, “Jay’s been working in isolation with little input from us,” but wanted to “play diplomat” to avoid any publicity of the Habari development hating each other before a release is even out. “I’m not sure what Jay would say that would persuade me that merging would be worthwhile,” replied Owen.

I suggest both Jay and Owen whip it out on the table and settle this once and for all. I would suggest the same for Chris Davis, but his fear of regex doesn’t bode well for his endowment.

My vote? Get Khaled to decide. His supreme aesthetic sense would rock the PHP6 world if he deigned to use it. Or if he abstains, quietly kick Jay Pipes out before he causes any more trouble, and stick to the core group of commiters/voters that were at the in-person meeting that spawned Habari. I’m sure we could write two lines of code for every one that Jay contributed!

Open Letter to The Guru

Hello Mr Computer Guru, thanks for posting about why you joined Habari. Here is a numbered list of feedback:

  1. Nobody likes a turncoat. I won’t trust you until you have a Habari tattoo. I DON’T CARE IF WE DON’T HAVE A LOGO YET!
  2. If you have to have “smart” in your domain name…

But wait, there’s more!

“I wasn’t planning on blogging about any of this until I officially became a committer in the Habari project, but after reading this post, I feel the need to share my reasons.”

You must have missed the memo. Unless you have commit your thoughts don’t actually matter. Save some bandwidth and keep them to yourself.

“I’ve been a loyal contributor the WordPress project and a ardent (for lack of a more aggressive word) WP-Hacker for what seems like forever – even though it isn’t.”

Ah June 2006, it was so long ago.

“I didn’t leave WordPress because Matt is the devil-incarnate nor because I’m put off that he wouldn’t hire me (not interested), but because Habari is a challenge. It’s something I’ve always wanted to work on.”

… Even when I said WordPress was the best and only platform out there. Points for linking HW though.

“Habari isn’t about the money, the traffic, or the popularity, it’s about the code and the design.”

Which is why people are already squatting our name in different languages! Good thing we never want a trademark.

“It’s about stretching our imaginations to the limits, using every last feature in the newest releases of PHP and MySQL to power a blogging platform. It’s about true creativity.”

Non sequitur.

“It’s not just a means to an end, rather the journey itself is what makes it so exciting.”

Which is why we’re rushing to ship by the end of the month. (A decision that we still haven’t voted on or discussed.)

“But more than that, WordPress has reached a stage where nothing more than bug-fixes and changing the location of a button are getting committed.”

WordPress 4.0 will just be a bunch of buttons random moving around each update.

“Matt and Ryan are busy with WordPress.com and you can’t blame them.”

Yes you can, WordPress.com sucks. I throw up in my mouth a little every time I have to do a post here.

“Habari’s developers aren’t looking for money, they’re just looking for a way to sum up everything the world has learned about blogging in the past couple of years.”

Which is why we argue endlessly about a logo.

“Whereas other platforms didn’t have the virtue of past precedents”

I forgot there were no blogging platforms before the almighty WordPress in the ComputerGuru/Newsmart world.

“If a core feature has to be delayed months to get it written in a clean way that doesn’t employ hacks and ploys, that’s not a problem.”

Amen!

“With a meritocracy like Habari, getting input from the community and having fun are just as important as getting it done.”

Which is why we already have incompatible branches!

“We all go back to WordPress and dutifully submit more patches, dream up of admin interfaces that Matt will never commit, and wait around for the next big thing.”

What if Matt commits Shuttle (or OMG Atlantis) before we release?

“Habari, like all “utopian” & “idealistic” projects, can easily become a victim of its own perfection.”

My last boyfriend said that. He was a prick too.

“Sometimes projects need someone to set down his or her foot and declare “This is what we’re going to do,” and it’s up to Habari now to prove that’s not the case.”

Leading through indecision!

“Even more, Habari’s “extreme” software requirements”

Like having to deal with you?

“We stand by what we said about WordPress, and that’s all part of the challenge.”

OMG you just switched to the royal we, I think I peed myself.

Maybe we should start a fake fork of Habari to draw out the trendy vagrants who followed us from WordPress. They’ll jump to whatever is new like moths to a flame. We’ll write it using PHP6 and MySQL 5.2.