Archive for the 'Khaled Abou Alfa' Category

The Coming of Scoble

Bobby ScobbyLook at how happy Robert Scoble is! You know why? Because he has seen the true light of the Habari way. Take care Habari community, He is watching.

I think now that we have caught the Eye of the Scoble, there is a limited opportunity to pounce onto his golden locks and grab hold of his imagination, his heart, his soul. We must move quickly, here is my suggested course of action:

  1. First, we make Him a core committer. We all know the process is arbitrary anyway, we might as well hook Him with responsibility now, like getting pregnant to keep that cute boy. (It’s not like he’s going to commit something anyway.)
  2. Next we partner Him with Khaled to replace the bums Michael Heilemann and Bryan Veloso who haven’t been contributing crap anyway. Scoble sees thousands of demos every day, His eye is finely tuned to the golden ratio of product success.
  3. Let’s make Scoble’s theme the default for the next Habari release. It’s nice and streamlined, and loads really fast.
  4. SuckPress names their releases after jazz musicians. Let’s start naming all our releases after Scoble, like George Foreman’s boys, girls, and grills are all named George. Habari 1.0 “The Robert”. Habari 1.1 “Bobby Scoble”. Habari 1.2 “Robertizer”. (Editors note: Someone contact his wife to find out if any of his body parts have nicknames.)
  5. Make sure all the Habari servers and developers run Seagate drives, and start a letter campaign to the CEO saying Scoble is the reason.
  6. Change our default post to be a 94 minute Podtech ScobleShow interview.
  7. Fellatio.
  8. Invite him to keynote at HabariCon 2007. Everyone in the audience should write I ❤ RS on their forehead prior to the keynote.

I think if we execute HARD on all of the above we will bag him, but we must do or do not… there is no try.


Why Other Designers Shouldn’t Bother

Khaled takes time from his busy day to grace the Habari community with a completely new website design, and this is the thanks he gets?

“Am I to understand then that your design philosophy is the bottom line for habari? That it’s written in stone?”

Khaled’s design philosophy is written in the STONE OF GOOD TASTE, which obviously you aren’t familiar with. Do not confuse the SOGT with the Ugly Stick, which is what hit the other so-called design contributions.

“How are images accessible?”

Someone introduce this bozo to the alt tag.

“How is that much different than your “planet” concept, other than you are using a singular phrase that is ambiguous at best. News and Planet really are one in the same to me.”

News is too constricting. It’s like putting “blog” in our domain name. You need to think BIG.

“You are basically knocking what’s been put forth, saying you’ve spent all of 30minutes on what you think is superior to what’s been put forth, and have no desire to further that design, and once again aren’t offering source files to allow others to build on the design, or make it real code.”

Come on, Khaled could fart a better design while juggling burning midgets. Let’s not compare apples to Steve Jobs. Hear that, Mr. Bishop? That’s the sound of inevitability. Now suck it.

And what the heck ever happened to Bryan Veloso? Did Autocrattic buy him off? He’s pulling a Nuclear Moose.

Reasons Why When the Revolution Comes You Will Be First Against the Wall

I just read someone who calls themself Dark Rockstr saying Reasons Why (I Think) Habari Won’t Be “The Next Blog App”.

First off, how seriously can you take someone who can’t spell Rockstar with all its proper vowels??? Despite that, he is still worthy of being skewered for his tiny ideas.

“Reason 1: They are entering a somewhat dangerous market.”

The market is dangerous BECAUSE WE’RE IN IT. We’re all from New England and you don’t fuck with us, look what happened to the South. Or Iraq. We’ll tear up your hood like you got oil under it.

“I have read about so many new comers in the market who have submitted Digg stories about being the best and they quickly die off.”

Clearly you have not seen the amazing momentum we’ve sustained, with our userbase doubling almost every month and every major name in blogging abandoning WordPress like the sinking ship it is. More cooks make better soup!

“They are going to have to compete against many people who love the blogging app they are using with right now.”

Like our minions say on every blog post that mentions Habari, we’re not here to compete with other blogging platforms like WordPress. WE’RE HERE TO DOMINATE THEM. I will personally not rest until Matt switches to Habari, Ryan is Khaled’s bitch, and Mark turns in his guns.

“Reason 2: They built themselves a big boot with hype and hopes.”

That’s not our fault, the world saw how many amazing people were involved with Habari and their long history of leading successful projects and starting revolving around us accordingly.

“I have tested Habari and I have to say they are a long ways away from a final product, in my opinion, especially one that will rival my current favorite, WordPress.”

If you like WordPress, your definition of favorite must be slow and bloated software that sacrifices a CPU every time it tries to croak out a miserable little page. Habari probably isn’t right for you, I’d recommend looking into fine alternatives like Slashcode. (Editors note: Register slashwank.)

“Reason 3: Extensibility and security are hard things to build.”

We have objects orienting around objects so much we make the fucking milky way look like foam balls on a coat hanger. We’re so extensible we’re having installer plugins, SO YOU USE A PLUGIN BEFORE YOU EVEN INSTALL IT.

As for security, that’s a given. The first security notice in Habari will come roughly the same time you’re able to go deep sea fishing off the coast of Oklahoma.

“I have worked with in PHP, Java and VB, it’s not something that comes easy.”

I don’t think those languages were designed for the mentally retarded.

“There just isn’t enough features built-in right now for me to jump on the bandwagon, that’s all.”

The bandwagon is full, please refrain from trying to get on until you get a Habari tattoo and can be trusted again.

h0bbel then says, “That being said, the developers behind Habari has not been the ones spreading the hype and in fact most of them felt the attention they got was a bit premature.”

Yeah right, like coordinated blog posts announcing we were leaving WP wasn’t hype inducing, or attempting to get it on Digg, or the weekly screenshot masturbation. We’re dripping the blood of WP in the water to get the sharks into a frenzy so when our release comes out at the end of the month the entire blogging community simultaneously orgasms and takes Technorati down. (Not because of the orgasms, just because Technorati always goes down, the cheap tart.)

Jay vs. Owen

Jay Pipes destroyed my life.

Or that’s how I felt for the 25 minutes that the SVN repository was down and broke my minutely-cron-job which svn ups my sweet, lucious, tasty Habari installation. (Which represents 33% of all the awesome Habari blogs in the world.)

Then the other revered Habari commiters pushed him in a branch, so he wouldn’t break Most Valuable Wankers like me. (MVW)

Now most revered Owen Winkler is pushing back, saying “Fuck. I don’t understand this. I don’t understand why he had to change EVERYTHING. There’s no opportunity to see things into the core gradually. It’s either the pain in the ass of ripping out parts or just taking everything wholesale. It’s not just that it doesn’t work. It’s that there is hardly any of our existing code in it. He basically wrote his own system.”

Scott Merrill responded, “Jay’s been working in isolation with little input from us,” but wanted to “play diplomat” to avoid any publicity of the Habari development hating each other before a release is even out. “I’m not sure what Jay would say that would persuade me that merging would be worthwhile,” replied Owen.

I suggest both Jay and Owen whip it out on the table and settle this once and for all. I would suggest the same for Chris Davis, but his fear of regex doesn’t bode well for his endowment.

My vote? Get Khaled to decide. His supreme aesthetic sense would rock the PHP6 world if he deigned to use it. Or if he abstains, quietly kick Jay Pipes out before he causes any more trouble, and stick to the core group of commiters/voters that were at the in-person meeting that spawned Habari. I’m sure we could write two lines of code for every one that Jay contributed!

Open Letter to Khaled

Hello my dear Khaled,

I know we haven’t talked much. This is my fault. I was so intimidated by my first rejection (Shuttle days) that I have been paralyzed with fear every time I have the chance for my words or letters to fall across your eyes again.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’m very drunk right now.

Let me dive right in. I feel like we’re having a very hard time connecting… our sites. Every time I link to one of your posts, my pingback (and trackbacks!) seem to disappear into the ether like a write page mockup for WordPress.

Please help me debug this. ARE YOU DELETING THEM??? I shouldn’t have asked that, if you deem them not worthy for your site, I completely agree with you. But if not, I’m sure your innumerable readers might appreciate what a fellow fan has linked to your post for.

Yours forever,


Slippery Slope

So I’ve started studying my daily Habari emails, and I came across this blasphemous thread started by none other than one of our most revered founders Owen Winkler.

Let’s go line by line:

“I was bored”

Why on earth would you be bored when you have the most exciting project in the world to work on??? Oh wait…

“I put in the stuff I liked, took out the stuff I didn’t like, turned it all into HTML with a little DHTML and CSS, and baked it for three hours. Discuss.”


This is exactly what the Matt-devil did to Shuttle!!!!

Now, I love Owen like he has lips like Angelina Jolie. But if you look at the crapfest 2007 that is WordPress it is clear that the MDevil just took the parts he liked, took out the stuff he didn’t like, and turned it into HTML. I thought this was everything we were trying to protect against. How DARE we make decisions like this without voting and without approvals of the designers! (Especially Khaled!)

The blasphemy continues:

“> 5. Color scheme need a little more work. (I like Khaled Design)

You guys keep working on that. I’ve got software to get to a dev-preview state by the end of the month. I’ll take a minute or two to nitpick over colors later if I need to.”

What the fuck!! You disrespect Khaled and people with good taste in one sentence? We should never trade speed for quality.

Finally the revered founder Chris J Davis says:

“Owen brings up a good point here at the end. Most of you who are new might not know that we are shooting for a Jan 31st Developer Preview Release. We (being Owen, Scott, Rich and I) really want to hit this first release deadline hard.”

The only thing that will hit hard is the thumping sound of Habari dying if we push out something that isn’t beautifully designed.

Also, I am worried by the arbitrary release date decision that was made without any public discussion. I think there should be a public vote ON A PUBLIC MAILING LIST about the release date, otherwise we suck just as much as WordPress.

New Avatar

I have a new avatar based on the most beautifulist Habari logo ever made from my idol Khaled of course.

By the way, I’m not sure why there’s all this arguing over the logo and stuff on the mailing list. First, only comitters should have a vote, right? All the people who aren’t commiters should just let the people with voice in the project just vote on the best stuff, which hopefully isn’t a pumpkin.

Or even better, why not make the logo an option? We’re not tying ourself to any one database or templating system why constrain the genius of this project in one logo? When people install or first visit our yet-to-be-domained site we can ask them to pick their favorite and then set a cookie and always show that to them in the future.

Or even better! When they set the cookie we can track which one they choose and then in 6 months make the official the one with the most votes, assuming of course the project leaders don’t veto it.

About Habari Wank

This blog is the most definitively source for Habari news, themes, plugins, and development info written by the most loving Habari user and developer and documentor ever.